My Bloody Valentine (2009) aka My Bloody Valentine 3D

3 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: He's gonna break your heart.
Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Written by: Todd Farmer, Zane Smith
Actors include: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Genre: Horror
Length: 101 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Now to be fair I did not see this in 3D as it was originally intended, but it didn't seem too gimmicky in good 'ole fashion flat view. The film itself is a pale comparison to the original and the characters are as memorable as grains of sand...it still has a few things going for it. If you are looking for gory gratuitous deaths then this should satisfy, it keeps 'em coming at a steady pace. The plot (which is barely worth mentioning) is about a tragic mining accident wherein a bunch of folks are buried alive. One miner (Harry) happens to survive in a coma, however the other miners didn't die from lack of oxygen but rather from Harry's pickax. Harry awakens on Valentine's day and goes on a fun killing revenge killing spree (all this in the first little bit of the film). Fast forward ten years later to a feller named Tom who has returned home on the anniversary of the massacre. Of course the gory killings start up again, but who could be behind them? The mystery aspect is ridiculous and there are parts of the film that have too much talking and not enough killing. Still on a whole it was satisfying enough considering how low the quality of these remakes often are.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Hospital Massacre (1982) aka Be My Valentine Or Else! aka Ward 13 aka X-Ray

3 / 5 Feb '10
Tagline: A young nurse is stalked by a maniac out to avenge a long-ago Valentine's Day humiliation.
Directed by: Boaz Davidson
Written by: Marc Behm, Boaz Davidson
Actors include: Barbi Benton, Jon Van Ness, Charles Lucia
Genre: Horror
Length: 89 minutes
Banned: West Germany

Review:
What Valentine's Day is complete without this bloody little slasher? After a boy leaves a Valentine's card for a snotty little girl who crumples it up and laughs (he sees this from the window) we flash to the future many years later when they are grown. By this point the little girl is played by Playboy model Barbi Benton who has arrived at the hospital for some minor tests. Our angry little boy who has kept a grudge is now a slashing machine in the hospital who has a master plan to keep Barbi there as long as possible....so he can exact revenge! Some of the killings are pretty cool and bloody, the mood is also rather dark and the gleeful killer is rather amusing too. It's just in between killings we aren't offered much more than lame excuses why one needs to stick around the hospital (or watch the film, depends on how you feel). It's also very cheaply made and the ending sequence is shot very darkly and is almost impossible to see. It's got major lows and some highs, but really it's best for a low expectation Valentine's Day viewing (or to look at Benton's boobs...your call!).

Availability:  Never been on DVD but I believe people are selling bootlegs