The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

3.5 / 5 Jul '11
Tagline: Witness the birth of fear
Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Written by: Sheldon Turner
Actors include: Jordana Brewster, Matt Bomer, Diora Baird
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I usually am not one for remakes, but I did enjoy the 2003 version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a prequel to a remake sounds sketchy but this wasn't. In fact I'd say they did as well making this although yes it is sort of unnecessary and many things were recycled from the other films but it is still a lot of gore filled fun. Here we watch Tommy (aka Leatherface) lose his job at the butcher shop, and well let's just say he snaps. It does do a good job of filling in the blanks, like what happened to Uncle's legs and how did Hoyt become a cop etc. They introduce us to another group of young people (this time on their way to Vietnam for the war) who of course are destined to become dinner and play things for the lovely family. I appreciated that they didn't play this one too lightly and they really kept it rather dark and bloody. There was definitely a doomy feel to it, and the cast are actually rather decent too I must say. I was surprised that his is worth watching, however if you are looking for something surprisingly fresh and original this won't be it. It's exactly what you think it might be and that is all I was hoping for.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Left Turn (2001)

3 / 5  June '11
Tagline:  N/A
Directed by:  Sean Ellis
Written by:  Sean Ellis
Actors include:  Lucy Russell, Andrew Tiernan, Heather Jay-Jones
Genre:  Horror, Short
Length:  15 minutes
Banned:  Nope

Review:
This is a remake of a short film from 1978 called Panic which is one of the best I've ever seen.  Unfortunately this one isn't nearly as creepy and the subtly that made the other so special is lacking.  The story is a goodie, it's about a Woman who goes out in the rain and picks up an old woman hitchhiker.  She gets a sneaky feeling that something isn't right and convinces the Woman to get out of the car (to check for a flat) and drives off leaving her there.  The Woman leaves her bag inside the car, and the Woman takes it to the Police station, they open the bag only to find an aresenal of weapons!  It's an okay way to spend 15 minutes, but the other story is so dang effective I was actually excited about seeing what they had done with the remake but this pales in comparison. 

Availability:  Not on DVD but is on Youtube

Rubber Johnny (2005)

2.5 / 5  May '11
Tagline:  N/A
Directed by:  Chris Cunningham
Written by:  Aphex Twin
Actors include:  Elvis, Percy Rutherford
Genre:  Horror, Short, Animation
Length:  6 minutes
Banned:  Nope







Review:  
Pretty underwhelming little piece about a weird looking boy with shiny eyes who babbles.  He is locked in a basement because he contorts his body into unnatural positions and he's given a little dog for company.  Be prepared for a whole lot of bending and flashy editing as well as music from Aphex Twin.  It just didn't really do anything, and the distortions wore thin rather quickly.  I guess I expected more, and i wasn't really bothered by the fact the boy was supposed to be grotesque or at least he didn't trip me out.  I think if your a fan of this specific techno horror style then you will probably like this but I'll never see it again.

Availability:  On DVD

The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (2008)

3 / 5  May '11
Tagline:  It will kill you. Even if it takes the rest of your life.
Directed by:  Richard Gale
Written by:  Richard Gale
Actors include:  Paul Clemens, Brian Rohan, Fay Kato
Genre:  Horror, Comedy, Short
Length: 10 minutes
Banned:  Nope

Review:  
Well the title was certainly the best possible choice for the flick.  It is about a murderer who is invincible...and his weapon?  A spoon.  It goes on to mimic scenes from various Hollywood films only of course add in someone getting smacked with a spoon ad nauseam.  It's a short film coming in at ten minutes, but towards the middle it does start to feel horribly long.  At least they do tuck back the odd little treat towards the end so it is worth sticking it out.  It's not complete garbage, it is rather funny for the first few minutes but I can't imagine ever watching it again. 

Availability:  On DVD

Trick R Treat (2007)

4 / 5 May '11 
Tagline:  You better watch out, I'm telling you why. Sam is coming to town...
Directed by:  Michael Dougherty
Written by:  Michael Dougherty
Actors include:  Anna Paquin, Dylan Baker, Brian Cox
Genre:  Horror, Comedy
Length:  82 minutes
Banned:  Nope

Review:
Sure this isn't the sort of horror film that is going to scare the pants off of anyone, but it is a really fun Halloweeny anthology.  It winds four spookily fun little tales together to make for a fast-paced and original flick.  One segment was about a Principal who does not put the "pal" in Principal (okay worst joke ever right?).  In fact he may be murdering the children of the neighborhood!  Another is about a bunch of teens who pull a prank on an idiot...savant that is.  We also have a College virgin who is waiting for the right one, but her friends are kinda pressuring her to do it now!  Lastly there is the tale about blowing out a jack-o-lantern before midnight.  All were well executed and the spirit of the film is purely vintage which I loved.  I'm so happy to see that the anthology is in fact not dead, just twisted Pulp Fiction style.  Thanks so much to the very wise Happywax (Doomgoryums Horror Emporium) for this recommendation, great selection!  

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Brain Dead (2007)

3 / 5  May '11
Tagline:  A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste
Directed by:  Kevin Tenney
Written by:  Dale Gelineeau
Actors include:  Joshua Benton, Sarah Grant Brendecke, David Crane
Genre:  Horror, Comedy
Length:  95 minutes
Banned:  Nope

Review:

Well I can seriously say I knew absolutely nothing about this film going into it, in fact we thought we were about to watch the Roger Corman film of the same name.  I was relieved to find that this was at least an entertaining flick, complete with excessive nudity, gruesome gore effects and it was rather comical throughout.  It also adversely has terrible acting, dry spots with people talking and a definite straight-to-video feeling to it.  The plot is about some people who all (for some reason or another) end up at this deserted cabin.  Oops, did I say deserted?  Cuz I meant invested with alien mutant zombie things (yes you purists will not be pleased with that) but it made for a colorful little film at least.  Watch people try basically nothing to retaliate or escape the situation and sit back and let the cliches roll.  Sure this isn't going to win an Oscar but it's a fair bit of fun for a late night viewing for those who like stuff that oozes.

Availability:  on DVD

Lake Mungo (2008)

3 / 5 May '11
Tagline: If you've never seen a ghost... Look closer.
Directed by: Joel Anderson
Written by: Joel Anderson
Actors include: Rosie Traynor, David Pledger, Martin Sharpe
Genre: Horror, Thriller, Mystery
Length: 87 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well points for creativity should be awarded here, though the dry spots in the story were a little too plentiful. The film is told in the style of a documentary about a family who's Daughter Alice has turned up drowned in the lake. They determine her death as accidental and her family tries to move on, they start seeing shadowy versions of Alice around. They contact some Supernatural specialists and exhume the body to try to determine what has happened. As things unravel we find out things aren't quite what we seem, and the more digging that happens the more the story contorts. Some of the imagery here is yes, somewhat creepy but beyond that I can't say much in the way of horror happens. It at least does try to build mystery and it did have me wondering exactly what was going similar to some of Peter Weir's flicks. I just think if they'd had a better cast and bothered to try to make it a bit more ominous things would have been so much better. Thanks so much to Happywax (http://doomgoryumshorroremporium.blogspot.com/) for this recommendation!

Availability:  On DVD

Creep (2004)

3.5 / 5 May '11
Tagline: Your journey terminates here.
Directed by: Christopher Smith
Written by: Christopher Smith
Actors include: Franka Potente, Sean Harris, Vas Blackwood
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Length: 85 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I had no idea going into this film that it was basically a remake of Death Line [Raw Meat] complete with shots of Franka Potente running (ala Lola rennt [Run Lola Run]). Even so it was pretty amusing, especially the way they set the situation up. Kate (Franka Potente) is on her way home from a party when she falls asleep in the subway waiting for a train. She wakes up only to find herself locked in and under attack by a creepy co-worker and of course she seems to make the wrong choice with every turn. While trying to find a place to escape she ends up in the underground with the Homeless people. However in her attempt to escape she finds something far more sinister down below. So it does have some carnage in it, though it's mainly one of those building tension escape type scenarios which is just fine with me. It is relatively well made and the cast make it a little more appealing then it could have been with unknowns. Thanks to horror fiends Axemaster and Happywax (http://doomgoryumshorroremporium.blogspot.com/) for this recommend, definitely a fun little horror flick for most.

Availability:  On DVD

Forklift Driver Klaus: The First Day on the Job (2000) aka Staplerfahrer Klaus - Der Erste Arbeitstag

4 / 5 May '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Stefan Prehn, Jörg Wagner
Written by: Jörg Wagner, Stefan Prehn
Actors include: Konstantin Graudus, Gustav Adolph Artz, Jürgen Kittel
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Length: 9 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Maybe it's because I've seen several forklift training videos because I work in a Warehouse that I found this to be so hilarious. It's a German short film that is created in the style of a workplace safety video, and as it goes on it gets increasingly more ridiculous and bloody. We first meet Klaus, a newly certified forklift driver who is ready to start his day. At first he decides it's safe to lift a fellow employee on a pallet which of course he finds out isn't the wisest idea. Each time Klaus has a bad idea we go back to an alarm and the next incident seems to get worse. Even the cheesy music and voiceover really make this something entertaining to watch. I think anyone who likes to see things go terribly wrong should enjoy this in some twisted way.

Availability:  I don't think it's on DVD

The Collector (2009)

3.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: He always takes one
Directed by: Marcus Dunstan
Written by: Patrick Melton
Actors include: Josh Stewart, Juan Fernández, Andrea Roth
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Huh....ok so if you like explanations and logic and all of that, steer clear you will hate this. Once I accepted that it doesn't matter why and that I'm not going to get to know I enjoyed it a heck of a lot more. What I can make out of it is that an ex-con desperately needs to pay off his ex-wife. To do so he plans a heist at the home of his employers but when he gets there he's greeted with a bit of a surprise. It seems that a crazier criminal beat him to the punch and has rigged the house with some of the most insane booby traps this side of Home Alone. It's definitely violent and bloody with torture galore, and some of the traps are pretty neato. It doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense how someone could have had the year it would have taken to set these elaborate traps and why. Oh well, if you just want some carnage and cruelty this will do just fine.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray
The Collector [Blu-ray]

My Bloody Valentine (2009) aka My Bloody Valentine 3D

3 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: He's gonna break your heart.
Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Written by: Todd Farmer, Zane Smith
Actors include: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Genre: Horror
Length: 101 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Now to be fair I did not see this in 3D as it was originally intended, but it didn't seem too gimmicky in good 'ole fashion flat view. The film itself is a pale comparison to the original and the characters are as memorable as grains of sand...it still has a few things going for it. If you are looking for gory gratuitous deaths then this should satisfy, it keeps 'em coming at a steady pace. The plot (which is barely worth mentioning) is about a tragic mining accident wherein a bunch of folks are buried alive. One miner (Harry) happens to survive in a coma, however the other miners didn't die from lack of oxygen but rather from Harry's pickax. Harry awakens on Valentine's day and goes on a fun killing revenge killing spree (all this in the first little bit of the film). Fast forward ten years later to a feller named Tom who has returned home on the anniversary of the massacre. Of course the gory killings start up again, but who could be behind them? The mystery aspect is ridiculous and there are parts of the film that have too much talking and not enough killing. Still on a whole it was satisfying enough considering how low the quality of these remakes often are.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Calvaire (2004), aka The Ordeal

3.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: Some people would kill for company.
Directed by: Fabrice Du Welz
Written by: Fabrice Du Welz, Romain Protat
Actors include: Laurent Lucas, Brigitte Lahaie, Gigi Coursigny
Genre: Horror, Drama
Length: 88 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
The plot will sound familiar to this French flick, a fellow (called Marc) is stuck in a remote swampy area in the rain when his vehicle breaks down. A weird Man looking for a missing dog ushers him to a bizarre Inn where he takes a room for the night. The Inn keeper promises to fix Marc's broken van but is very insistent that he not go into the nearby town. Let's just say things get very insane from there, and Marc isn't exactly free to leave. It boasts a strange ambiance considering that the film was actually shot with only natural settings, no studio fixings. Sure it's not the most disturbing film of it's kind but the black comedy touches keep things a bit lighter. At least it does boast a bit 'o blood and some horror gratuity and tension. It definitely kept my attention, although I'd hoped for a tad more originality yet still worthy of a gander. Oh and be on the look out for Euro sleaze actress Brigitte Lahaie, definitely the newest film I've seen her in...and yes she is still taking her top off.

Availability:  On DVD

Treevenge (2008)

4 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Jason Eisener
Written by: Rob Cotterill, Jason Eisener
Actors include: Lex Gigeroff, Sarah Dunsworth, Lex Gigeroff
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Length: 16 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
This is a cute little Canadian low budget short film that asks the question....what happens when abused trees get pissed off? The idea is that some maniacal lumberjacks sadistically torture trees before they wind up as Christmas decorations. The trees have had enough and start to fight back in some insanely gruesome ways. Yes it's silly, and strange but in a good way, definitely some hilarious moments in this one. Thanks to my new horror lovin' friend Myron for the recommendation on this one. Definitely a Christmas must for the holidays!

Availability:  Not on DVD currently I think

Love Hurts (2008)

2.5 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Shariff Nasr
Written by: Terence
Actors include: Medi Broekman, Nasrdin Dchar, Déna Massque
Genre: Horror
Length: 6 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
A rather unknown short horror film (that I found on the internet) that is insanely mediocre. A boyfriend and girlfriend get in a fight and break-up. The woman goes to the bathroom where she sees a pool of blood and hears things under the stall. She goes to check and some demon thing looking like Bif Naked with white contacts attacks her. It's pretty silly really and not very effective at all, however points for the fact that it looks rather professionally made.

Availability:  I don't think it's available but you can watch it online

Spiral (2007)

2 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Adam Green, Joel Moore
Written by: Jeremy Danial Boreing, Joel Moore
Actors include: Joel Moore, Amber Tamblyn, Zachary Levi
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Ouch, I really thought this would have been a whole lot better than it is due to it's reputation. This was an Anchor Bay original release, and it does appear as though they had a reasonable budget for this. The plot is about a telemarketer named Mason (Joel Moore) who is reclusive, obnoxious and weird (not in a cute way, just in a handicapped sort of way). He stinks at his job and he has only one friend until he meets Amber (Amber Tamblyn). Mason happens to be a good painter which attracts Amber (who is seriously so annoying...think Six from Blossom only way less likeable). Amber is attracted to Mason's art, and she becomes his muse. After a long time of their awkward and unbelievable romance (and nothing else happening) we are given a tiny thriller plot. See Amber finds a whole bunch of sketch books with girl's names and each one has the last sketch missing and he won't show her his last sketch for her either. I won't ruin it but it's so beyond moronic, I truly feel like my time was completely wasted. Not to mention the terrible songs (the ones with words anyhow, the rest of the time it's jazz) and lack of reason and background information on Mason that would have made this a better film. Oh it's easy to understand and follow but it's also rather obvious and pointless. If you want an art related horror film I'd recommend Color Me Blood Red instead.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Martyrs (2008)

4.5 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: They did not finish to be alive...
Directed by: Pascal Laugier
Written by: Pascal Laugier
Actors include: Morjana Alaoui, Mylène Jampanoï, Catherine Bégin
Genre: Horror, Drama
Length: 99 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Yikes, well this is a different breed of horror film, and an effective one. We meet a young girl named Lucie who we see escaping some sort of torture area, she is bleeding, malnourished and had clearly been suffering. We learn that Lucie has a best friend Anna who has also had a rough go of things, the two are pretty inseperable. Flash forward a few years and we see Lucie go out for revenge against the family that kidnapped her and tortured her. I don't want to give more away but it really takes some demented twists and turns here. The story is graphically bloody, it's very serious in tone and it's very bleak and hard to watch in places. I can see why some might be divided on this, but I thought it was really well made, and actresses Morjana Alaoui and Mylène Jampanoï did a fantastic job. The first part is far more intense then the last, but the whole thing I thought was rather gripping. In a way it's treated like a mystery as parts of the tale don't unfold until later and that is what was so compelling. Now I think it would have been beneficial to let us in a little more on the bigger picture of what was going on but at the same time it wrapped up well enough. Definitely one of the best horror films from the last ten years that I've come across, recommended fo rthose looking for something disturbingly different.

Availability:  On DVD

X-Men (2000)

3 / 5
Tagline: The future is here.
Directed by: Bryan Singer
Written by: Bryan Singer, Tom DeSanto
Actors include: Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen
Genre: Sci-Fi, Action
Length: 104 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I have never read one of the comic books (I'm guessing this was based on one) nor did I know anything about this going into it. An ex-boyfriend actually put this on (why he couldn't have waited until I wasn't visiting to watch it is beyond me) and well it could have been worse I suppose. The idea is that these mutants (with useful battle abilities) are outcast by society so they have a special school thing they go to. They then are faced with a battle between mutant terrorists (I guess not all mutants get along). The furry wolfman rip-off guy is the lead mutant (how original), and really the costumes and their special powers were a little too ridiculous for me to enjoy. I think I disliked this for the same reason I dislike most Troma films, I'm not a 12 year old boy. It had a beginning, an end, special effects, and action so if you look for those things in a film then this might be entertaining for you. Maybe you had to read the comics or something to really get into this, who knows? If you like superhero stuff than you will probably like this, I knew going into it I probably wasn't going to enjoy and gosh darn it I was right.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Triangle (2009)

3 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: Fear Comes in Waves
Directed by: Christopher Smith
Written by: Christopher Smith
Actors include: Joshua McIvor, Melissa George, Jack Taylor
Genre: Horror
Length: 99 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
It's like Groundhog Day meets The Shining only not nearly as good as either. The story takes place with a group of friends going sailing, but things turn out for the worst once they hit a big storm and their boat overturns. Standing on the overturned boat they are relieved to see a big ship appear out of nowhere, though nobody seems to be greeting them as they climb aboard. Shortly after they learn that they made a poor choice as murder and mayhem take place. It's a psychological thing and although I get the basics of what is going on here a little more explanation would have been nice. It is a bit bloody, the story does intrigue and the way they tie some things together is quite clever. Although it isn't earth shattering and it's a bit unsatisfying it's still worth a gander, at least some effort was definitely put forth here and it's well shot, and the actors do a decent job.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Splice (2009)

3 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: She Is Not Supposed To Exist
Directed by: Vincenzo Natali
Written by: Antonette Terry
Actors include: Sarah Polley, Adrian Brody, Delphine Chanéac
Genre: Sci-Fi, Drama
Length: 104 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
This was a rather unusual movie, it's rather dumb in many ways and if you are looking for explanations and fancy things like that beware. It is however memorable and entertaining despite being moronically stupid, and it gives a good laugh and a bit of strangeness as well. The idea is that two young scientists that are boyfriend/girlfriend are working on a project with DNA splicing combining different species and the like to make mutants. Just as they are on the verge of a breakthrough they are told to stop but ohhh nooo they'd rather create a part human super freak thing and raise it as their child sort of. It gets even weirder from there if you can imagine, it really was very amusing to see what they would pull out next, and heck I didn't expect a couple of moves that happen. At least also they bothered with a few gross out things for us horror nuts which was appreciated. Sure it's laughable, but that is good in a way right?

Availabilty:  on Blu-Ray & DVD

Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship & Videotape (2010)

3 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: To avoid moral panic keep repeating: "They were only movies, only movies, only movies, only movies..."
Directed by: Jake West
Written by: N/A
Actors include: Julian Petley, Marc Morris, Andy Nyman
Genre: Documentary, Horror
Length: 72 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well perhaps it's because I've studied the Nasties closely and been obsessed with them for such a long time that I found this to be rather dull. I give credit for at least showing a few seconds from each "Nasty" at the very beginning of the show, but from then on it's more about the effect it had on retailers. This is rather interesting and they raise some good points, but it's all stuff I've heard before. Same about how Mary Whitehouse actually unknowingly helped promote all of these pictures as she went on the warpath and was a driving force in banning them. Then people wanted the list and tried to watch stuff from it because of course they weren't supposed to. The phenomenon is quite interesting and if you know nothing about it, sure give this a watch. I was bothered by the fact that they didn't go into the content of the films very much, nor did they mention how The Funhouse was banned mistakenly for having the same name as another film. They do mention the Cannibal films and I Spit on Your Grave a few times but some more explanation would have been nice. Still it's better than nothing and I did learn a few tidbits from it.

Availability:  On DVD in the UK