A Stranger Is Watching (1982)

2.5 / 5 Feb '11
Tagline: Beneath New York's Grand Central Station, a killer can hide, victims can disappear... and a million witnesses will never know it happened.
Directed by: Sean S. Cunningham
Written by: Mary Higgins Clark, Earl Mac Rauch
Actors include: Kate Mulgrew, Rip Torn, James Naughton
Genre: Thriller, Horror
Length: 92 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I've actually enjoyed a few Sean S. Cunningham but this is definitely not one of them. I was surprised how tame it was, it felt like a movie of the week thriller involving a kidnapping. Now yes, towards the end we get a little knifey action but it's far too little too late. The plot is about a young girl who watches her Mom get raped and murdered. The it jumps to the future and she and Dad's current girlfriend (Kate Mulgrew) are kidnapped by the Man (Rip Torn) who killed Ma. From there it's a ransom situation with a "daring" escape as they are imprisoned below Grand Central Station with Bums (er homeless) galore. It should have been way more entertaining than it was, and perhaps if I had found that little girl less irritating I might have cared what happened to everyone. Oh well, certainly not a satisfying horror film or thriller really but it could have been worse.

Availability:  On DVD

Vincent (1982)

5 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Tim Burton
Written by: Tim Burton
Actors include: Vincent Price
Genre: Fantasy, Animation
Length: 6 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I loved this, it's very Tim Burton in style which is so creative and interesting, it works perfect for this short film. Vincent Price narrates this poem about a young boy named Vincent Malone who seems to think he is Vincent Price. It has so many little tie-ins with Price films and Edgar Allan Poe, it's absolutely perfect. The little monsters in the tale and even something as simple as a cat are so well illustrated, very similar to the style of the creatures in Burton's later film A Nightmare Before Christmas. I can't think of a single thing I would change about this, one of the best short films I've seen. It really put a smile to my face and kept it there for the entire six minutes, a ghoul's delight!

Availability:  On DVD as a bonus feature on the Nightmare Before Christmas DVD

Turkey Shoot (1982) aka Escape 2000

3.5 / 5 Dec '10
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Brian Trenchard-Smith
Written by: Jon George
Actor include: Steve Railsback, Olivia Hussey, Michael Craig
Genre: Science Fiction, Action
Length: 93 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Quite a bloody dystopian picture from Australia that has some parts in common with Mad Max but it mostly mimics The Most Dangerous Game. The idea is that in the future there are reprogramming and punishment camps for "deviants" (those who commit minor offenses it seems like). There they are forced to work, sexually abused and forced to learn to obey at all costs. When a group of new entries (and one old worker) to the camp are given the option to be part of a hunting game in exchange for their freedom. Since they are told that they'll never get out otherwise, they agree and so they are thrown into the woods. Shortly after a bunch of evil rich jerks are out on the prowl with various weapons. From there it's loads of fun and excitement and it's very bloody (some of the effects are cheesy) but it's well worth it for any action or horror fan. Not the most original film ever but it is a rather fun take on an old idea.

Availability:  On DVD

Superstition (1982)

2.5 / 5 Nov '10
Tagline: The victims who died were the lucky ones.
Directed by: James W. Roberson
Written by: Galen Thompson, Michael O. Sajbel
Actors include: James Houghton, Albert Salmi, Lynn Carlin
Genre: Horror
Length: 99 minutes
Banned: UK

Review:
In some ways I suppose I should award this points for trying some creative and gory deaths...but then I have to deduct them because they look so fake they are laughable. The plot is about a witch who is back from the dead for revenge because she was burned many years ago. She kills everyone in peculiar ways who live in a certain area, but only at night while the sacred cross is still in the pond, once it's removed it's open season! The characters are as wooden as heck, and I found it very hard to pay attention to despite the fact that they were shoving fistfuls of blood in my face. Considering there are so many other witch revenge films, this is one of the laziest and most contrived I've seen. At least it was aptly filmed, and if you only care about deaths then this might suit your fancy, I'd just hoped for a little more honestly. Oh and as a side note apparently this was originally on the police seizure list for the video nasty scare in the early '80s.

Availability:  On DVD

The Beast Within (1982)

3 / 5 Oct '10
Tagline: Kill me, please kill me... before it's too late.
Directed by: Philippe Mora
Written by: Tom Holland, Edward Levy
Actors include: Ronny Cox, Bibi Besch, Paul Clemens
Genre: Horror
Length: 98 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well this had some things going for it at least, the effects although cheesy were ambitious, and the concept was interesting though it's definitely just a monster movie. They also did through in some nice gratuity with gore and nudity and it had a kind of campy feel to it. From the cover it looks like a Teen Wolf sequel, but I assure you it's not. It starts back in the past with a woman being raped by a monster, flash forward seventeen years and the result of the rape, a boy named Michael is about to hit puberty. He's very ill though and nobody seems to know why, only he slips out one night and ends up learning that he craves hunting humans, particularly if they have a certain last name. It's entertaining and easy to watch, and you can tell that the effort was there, the thing is there are huge plot holes wide enough to drive a truck through that definitely require explanation.

Availability:  On DVD

Android (1982)

3.5 / 5 Aug '10
Tagline: On a remote space laboratory, Android Model MAX 404 has learnt how to live...and learnt how to kill!
Directed by: Aaron Lipstadt
Written by: James Reigle, Don Keith Opper
Actors include: Klaus Kinski, Brie Howard, Norbert Weisser
Genre: Sci-Fi
Length: 80 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
This is a rather unusual and cheap sci-fi film, but on the other hand it's rather effective and well acted, plus the plot is an intriguing one. Klaus Kinski plays Dr. Daniel a Scientist on a research station who is completely alone...except for Max. Together they carry out research about Androids (who were banned several years ago for rape and various other problems that existed). Max is clumsy and awkward, weird, horny and lonely too. He watches sexual training videos for fun! When three space refugees land on their ship Max is eager to make nice with the girl. He's not the only one who has the hots for her though, Dr. Daniel has an eye for her too. It's a very strange film that leaves you kind of guessing where it's going but in a way I liked that about it. It's not going to be for everyone but I think it was a memorable little oddball sci-fi flick that should appeal to some.

Availability:  On DVD

Big Meat Eater (1982)

3.5 / 5  Apr '10
Tagline: Are you on his shopping list?
Directed by: Chris Windsor
Written by: Laurence Keane, Phil Savath
Actors include: George Dawson, Andrew Gillies, Clarence 'Big' Miller
Genre: Sci-Fi, Musical, Comedy
Length: 82 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
This is unlike many other musicals though I suspect the director has seen The Apple and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's got a full cast of people who can't sing a lick, and a plot that is out of this world...literally! It's extremely cheap and very uneven as a story but it has some big highlights. It's about a joyful butcher (who reminds me of Buster from Arrested Development) in need of an assistant. Enter Abdullah who happens to have problems with his anger and killing people. The gleefully ignorant Butcher hires on Abdullah who has some hilarious moments, especially when grinding meat by hand. The biggest highlight is a song that sounds like "We Didn't Start The Fire" (though it came out before) only it's filled with funny scientific jargon, I was in hysterics! There is also a plot about toy robots who are interested in the butcher shop because their meat that is dissolved in acid makes good fuel for them (balonium). If only the whole movie could have been that funny I'd have rated it a heck of a lot higher. Still fans of absurd cinema and bizarre musicals need to see this, I can't believe something this odd came out of Canada.

Availability:  On DVD

Hospital Massacre (1982) aka Be My Valentine Or Else! aka Ward 13 aka X-Ray

3 / 5 Feb '10
Tagline: A young nurse is stalked by a maniac out to avenge a long-ago Valentine's Day humiliation.
Directed by: Boaz Davidson
Written by: Marc Behm, Boaz Davidson
Actors include: Barbi Benton, Jon Van Ness, Charles Lucia
Genre: Horror
Length: 89 minutes
Banned: West Germany

Review:
What Valentine's Day is complete without this bloody little slasher? After a boy leaves a Valentine's card for a snotty little girl who crumples it up and laughs (he sees this from the window) we flash to the future many years later when they are grown. By this point the little girl is played by Playboy model Barbi Benton who has arrived at the hospital for some minor tests. Our angry little boy who has kept a grudge is now a slashing machine in the hospital who has a master plan to keep Barbi there as long as possible....so he can exact revenge! Some of the killings are pretty cool and bloody, the mood is also rather dark and the gleeful killer is rather amusing too. It's just in between killings we aren't offered much more than lame excuses why one needs to stick around the hospital (or watch the film, depends on how you feel). It's also very cheaply made and the ending sequence is shot very darkly and is almost impossible to see. It's got major lows and some highs, but really it's best for a low expectation Valentine's Day viewing (or to look at Benton's boobs...your call!).

Availability:  Never been on DVD but I believe people are selling bootlegs

Madman (1982)

3 / 5 Dec '09
Tagline: They thought they were alone.
Directed by: Joe Giannone
Written by: Joe Giannone
Actors include: Gaylen Ross, Tony Fish, Harriet Bass
Genre: Horror
Length: 88 minutes
Banned: Iceland

Review:
Oy, a tissue thin plot about Madman Marz a demented feller who axed his wife and kid and was hung by the townspeople. Someone also bit off his nose I believe (though he didn't feel it they say) and gashed his throat I think. At any rate he's running around looking remarkably like a Yetti for some odd reason brutally murdering camp councilors (sound familiar?). The only real plus in this situation is that the murders look pretty darned awesome and are gratuitous. If only they'd put a tiny bit of effort into the rest of the film it wouldn't have been such a struggle to sit through. It has atrocious musical numbers (about the Madman), ridiculously bad acting from everyone (one of the fellas looks like Chris Kattan, and another is named "T.P." so when he's lost they run around in the forrest yelling for tp!), and a ridiculous pool scene involving them moving around in circles? It goes on and on...seriously unbalanced big time! It didn't even try to be amusing plot wise, you are getting exactly what you think...a Madman slasher, the end! Oh well it was worth it to see the deaths but that is the only nice thing I can say about this 'un.

Availability:  On DVD

The House Where Evil Dwells (1982)

3.5 / 5 Nov '09
Tagline: It Never Forgives Or Forgets
Directed by: Kevin Connor
Written by: James Hardiman, Robert Suhosky
Actors include: Edward Albert, Susan George, Doug McClure
Genre: Horror
Length: 88 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:

It begins in the past with a brutal (yet cheap looking) samurai sword slaughter in Japan as a Man catches his wife with another. Body parts fly (although once an arm is cut off...you can still see it under the cloth) before the slaughterer stabs himself in the gut (aka Hari kiri). Promising start right? Well fast forward a bit to an American family moving to Japan who of course just happen to rent the murder house (sound like 呪怨 [Grudge] is brewing?). The family even knows about the fact that it's supposedly haunted but they figure modern ghosts are friendly? Well the silly blue translucent ghosts invade the bodies of the new family at will...it's actually very PG silliness (especially with the twinkly music that happens when the ghosts appear...it reminds me of when it's time to turn a page in children's story books). Of course the ghosts want to recreate the slaughter and torment (bother) the new hosts of the house. At least some of the scenery and culture of Japan are shown and honestly it was fun to watch (despite the total lack of scares). Aside from the boobs and the initial slaughter (and ending) this feels very much like a Children's ghost story mixed with a comedy. Especially with the giant mechanical crabs! I think the premise is good, the actors are fine (especially pro Susan George) and the cinematography is decent (minus the ghosts), I just feel guilty for liking it somehow. Oh, and is it just me, or does the Brother (Edward Albert) look disturbingly similar to Al Franken?

Availability:  On DVD or watch it online for free here:  http://www.hulu.com/the-house-where-evil-dwells