The Human Centipede (The First Sequence) (2009)

2.5 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: 100 % medically accurate
Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six
Actors include: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I don't really know what to say with this one...once I heard about it I absolutely had to see it regardless of the fact that I knew I probably wasn't going to like it. Considering though I have to say it's not as bad as I'd thought it might have been if that makes any sense? Basically an pointlessly evil retired German surgeon lost a three dog monstrosity that he created and looks for a replacement with humans. He lets in two wet moronic girls (who's actions make no sense...why would anyone wander deep in the thick of the woods when they have car trouble?) who cannot act at all, in fact it's actually irritating when they are able to speak. Soon they learn they aren't gettin' out of there once he drugs them and they wake up in their bed. He kindly explains the surgeries required to make his human centipede (there is also an Asian fella down there too to be part of the threesome) to his victims. This includes removing part of the knee so they can only crawl, the head will have his anus removed, the middle will have a removed anus as well as removed lips, teeth and cheek portion, the third part will be missing the cheek portion and lips and teeth.This includes removing part of the knee so they can only crawl, the head will have his anus removed, the middle will have a removed anus as well as removed lips, teeth and cheek portion, the third part will be missing the cheek portion and lips and teeth. It's not very graphic, honestly you do see a tiny bit of removing a part of ass and a few teeth yanked but it's all implied here. Once the monstrosity is created (we don't really see anything because of bandages) we get to listen to the Asian guy yell and freak-out (he's the head) and it all goes downhill from here. It takes forever to get to the "building" portion of the movie, way too much fighting and chasing and slow moving stuff (it's actually kind of boring honestly). It also doesn't really add up though they claim it's medically possible, the biggest questions are left unanswered like why? It's rather unsatisfying but the concept is at least unusual and the guy they've cast as the surgeon does look rather creepy I suppose. It could have been worse, but I can't for the life of me figure out how they intend to do a sequel...or why?

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Amsterdamned (1988)

4 / 5 May '10
Tagline: The city is murder
Directed by: Dick Maas
Written by: Dick Maas
Actors include: Huub Stapel, Monique van de Ven, Serge-Henri Valcke
Genre: Thriller, Horror, Action
Length: 114 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Ever since I heard the name of this film when I was a little girl I've wanted to see it...how could you not? Luckily it was as good as it's name, I found this to be a rather original and scenic thriller film thanks to dutch director Dick Maas (De lift [The Lift]). It's very cool that it was shot in the canals of Amsterdamned, it has an exciting speed boat chase, gruesome murders and intrigue! The idea is that there is a serial killer who is into diving and he lurks in the canals springing up at any time to collect his next victim. It's in the style of a who-dunnit, almost like a giallo film which is pretty neat. We follow around a Police Officer and his daughter as they try to figure out who the killer is and of course prevent the next victim from being claimed. This really does have a bit of everything, it's got a sense of humor even...they really made this an interesting little film that should appeal to most.

Availability:  On DVD (region 2 though)

Rabid Grannies (1988) aka Les Mémés Cannibales

3 / 5  Nov '09
Tagline: Grandma, What a Big Mouth You Have!
Directed by: Emmanuel Kervyn
Written by: Emmanuel Kervyn
Actors include: Catherine Aymerie, Caroline Braeckman, Richard Cotica
Genre: Horror

Length: 90 minutes

Banned: Nope

Review:

Well I've wanted to see this 'un since I first heard the title, even though it's a Troma picture (consider yourself warned). It starts out with a bunch of bratty Children and Grandchildren out for the large inheritance of two elderly ladies. They all meet up for the old Ladies' birthday dinner when a mystery gift arrives from their Son who was already disinherited (because he worshiped Satan and got into trouble). The mystery gift contains some sort of smoke that is drunk by the old Woman and it makes them turn into ravenous demons (who look suspiciously like rubber Freddy Kruegers). They puss, bite and have ridiculous effects and powers to torment the relatives as they try to hide out in the house from them. It's very cheesy, very cheap, littered with bad jokes and has ridiculous characters and is over the top in every possible way...yet somehow it's kinda entertaining. It's bloody and silly all at the same time, so if you really love Troma movies this should be something you aim to see.

Availability:  On DVD  also watch for free online here:  http://www.hulu.com/rabid-grannies