The Collector (2009)

3.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: He always takes one
Directed by: Marcus Dunstan
Written by: Patrick Melton
Actors include: Josh Stewart, Juan Fernández, Andrea Roth
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Huh....ok so if you like explanations and logic and all of that, steer clear you will hate this. Once I accepted that it doesn't matter why and that I'm not going to get to know I enjoyed it a heck of a lot more. What I can make out of it is that an ex-con desperately needs to pay off his ex-wife. To do so he plans a heist at the home of his employers but when he gets there he's greeted with a bit of a surprise. It seems that a crazier criminal beat him to the punch and has rigged the house with some of the most insane booby traps this side of Home Alone. It's definitely violent and bloody with torture galore, and some of the traps are pretty neato. It doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense how someone could have had the year it would have taken to set these elaborate traps and why. Oh well, if you just want some carnage and cruelty this will do just fine.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray
The Collector [Blu-ray]

Calvaire (2004), aka The Ordeal

3.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: Some people would kill for company.
Directed by: Fabrice Du Welz
Written by: Fabrice Du Welz, Romain Protat
Actors include: Laurent Lucas, Brigitte Lahaie, Gigi Coursigny
Genre: Horror, Drama
Length: 88 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
The plot will sound familiar to this French flick, a fellow (called Marc) is stuck in a remote swampy area in the rain when his vehicle breaks down. A weird Man looking for a missing dog ushers him to a bizarre Inn where he takes a room for the night. The Inn keeper promises to fix Marc's broken van but is very insistent that he not go into the nearby town. Let's just say things get very insane from there, and Marc isn't exactly free to leave. It boasts a strange ambiance considering that the film was actually shot with only natural settings, no studio fixings. Sure it's not the most disturbing film of it's kind but the black comedy touches keep things a bit lighter. At least it does boast a bit 'o blood and some horror gratuity and tension. It definitely kept my attention, although I'd hoped for a tad more originality yet still worthy of a gander. Oh and be on the look out for Euro sleaze actress Brigitte Lahaie, definitely the newest film I've seen her in...and yes she is still taking her top off.

Availability:  On DVD

Martyrs (2008)

4.5 / 5 Jan '11
Tagline: They did not finish to be alive...
Directed by: Pascal Laugier
Written by: Pascal Laugier
Actors include: Morjana Alaoui, Mylène Jampanoï, Catherine Bégin
Genre: Horror, Drama
Length: 99 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Yikes, well this is a different breed of horror film, and an effective one. We meet a young girl named Lucie who we see escaping some sort of torture area, she is bleeding, malnourished and had clearly been suffering. We learn that Lucie has a best friend Anna who has also had a rough go of things, the two are pretty inseperable. Flash forward a few years and we see Lucie go out for revenge against the family that kidnapped her and tortured her. I don't want to give more away but it really takes some demented twists and turns here. The story is graphically bloody, it's very serious in tone and it's very bleak and hard to watch in places. I can see why some might be divided on this, but I thought it was really well made, and actresses Morjana Alaoui and Mylène Jampanoï did a fantastic job. The first part is far more intense then the last, but the whole thing I thought was rather gripping. In a way it's treated like a mystery as parts of the tale don't unfold until later and that is what was so compelling. Now I think it would have been beneficial to let us in a little more on the bigger picture of what was going on but at the same time it wrapped up well enough. Definitely one of the best horror films from the last ten years that I've come across, recommended fo rthose looking for something disturbingly different.

Availability:  On DVD

Schoolgirls In Chains (1973) aka Abducted

2.5 / 5 Oct '10
Tagline: See It At Your Own Risk!
Directed by: Donald M. Jones
Written by: Donald M. Jones
Actors include: Gary Kent, John Parker, Stafford Morgan
Genre: Horror, Exploitation
Length: 86 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Meh, I kind of thought this would be better than it was, it's certainly a low budget exploitation film but it's not really as sleazy as I had anticipated. Two redneck moron brothers kidnap young ladies under the supervision of crazy Ma and keep them prisoner in the basement. They play games with the women that often lead to rape and torture etc and yes parts are a bit graphic but it all seemed so laughably poorly acted that it was hard to care or sympathize with anyone. It was dull enough that I felt like I was locked in their basement dying to get out. This is filled with misogyny and various things to offend various people but really it's nothing I haven't seen before more effectively made. There are a few things I suppose that were unique to this film like topless leap frog, and a needle in the rump of one of the girls, but if you like seeing women mistreated Bloodsucking Freaks is a far more entertaining venture.

Availability:  On DVD

The Human Centipede (The First Sequence) (2009)

2.5 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: 100 % medically accurate
Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six
Actors include: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I don't really know what to say with this one...once I heard about it I absolutely had to see it regardless of the fact that I knew I probably wasn't going to like it. Considering though I have to say it's not as bad as I'd thought it might have been if that makes any sense? Basically an pointlessly evil retired German surgeon lost a three dog monstrosity that he created and looks for a replacement with humans. He lets in two wet moronic girls (who's actions make no sense...why would anyone wander deep in the thick of the woods when they have car trouble?) who cannot act at all, in fact it's actually irritating when they are able to speak. Soon they learn they aren't gettin' out of there once he drugs them and they wake up in their bed. He kindly explains the surgeries required to make his human centipede (there is also an Asian fella down there too to be part of the threesome) to his victims. This includes removing part of the knee so they can only crawl, the head will have his anus removed, the middle will have a removed anus as well as removed lips, teeth and cheek portion, the third part will be missing the cheek portion and lips and teeth.This includes removing part of the knee so they can only crawl, the head will have his anus removed, the middle will have a removed anus as well as removed lips, teeth and cheek portion, the third part will be missing the cheek portion and lips and teeth. It's not very graphic, honestly you do see a tiny bit of removing a part of ass and a few teeth yanked but it's all implied here. Once the monstrosity is created (we don't really see anything because of bandages) we get to listen to the Asian guy yell and freak-out (he's the head) and it all goes downhill from here. It takes forever to get to the "building" portion of the movie, way too much fighting and chasing and slow moving stuff (it's actually kind of boring honestly). It also doesn't really add up though they claim it's medically possible, the biggest questions are left unanswered like why? It's rather unsatisfying but the concept is at least unusual and the guy they've cast as the surgeon does look rather creepy I suppose. It could have been worse, but I can't for the life of me figure out how they intend to do a sequel...or why?

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

The Dentist (1996)

2.5 / 5
Tagline: It's been six months. Time for your check-up!
Directed by: Brian Yuzna
Written by: Dennis Paoli, Stuart Gordon
Actors include: Molly Hagan, Linda Hoffman, Corbin Bernsen
Genre: Horror
Length: 92 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well this thing should write itself right? Everyone hates the dentist but what if they had a real reason to? Dr. Feinstone is angry when he finds out his Wife is having an affair and he begins take out his anger on his patients. It tries to be a horror comedy but it comes off as a bad made for tv type of movie. The effects are pretty good and if you like watching dental torture then I definitely think you should see this. I guess it just felt like bad gory melodrama and it didn't really strike me as interesting or even as a real movie the way it was filmed. Still for gore reasons it has a place in horror history but it definitely leaves something to be desired.

Availability:  On DVD

3 Extremes (2004) aka Saam Gaang Yi aka 3 Extremes II aka San Geng aka Three

4 / 5

Tagline: From the Nightmares of 3 Horror Masters

Directed By: Fruit Chan, Takashi Miike, Chan-wook Park

Written By: Haruko Fukushima, Lilian Lee, Chan-wook Park, Bun Saikou

Actors Include: Ling Bai, Byung-hun Lee, Kyoko Hasegawa

Genre: Horror

Length: 125 minutes

Banned: Nope

Review:

When dealing with anything "extreme" like say this film, there are two ways the films seem to go. They are either low budget, predictable and gory as heck, or you get something wonderfully creative and extreme like these stories. These have things to gross us out (which of course we want) yet the stories are well put together, it appears to have a budget and it actually works as a good movie. Well what this is are three short stories from different directors. It starts off fantastically with "Dumplings" the best in the set and actually one of the best Asian tales I've seen in a long while. I do not want to ruin this in any way but it's about some dumplings which give youth to the consumer but they are made of something rather disgusting (you'll see). Anyhow that tale seemed too short but fortunately on the DVD there is a longer version of this tale too (but I haven't seen that one yet). Next we move on to "Cut" which is demented and sadistic but the ending is less than satisfying. A young Man finds himself in a terrible situation when he finds his wife super glued to the piano (and she's a pianist). Can he stop the torture being inflicted upon her before it's too late? It's rather bloody, weird and generally artistic looking which I really appreciated. It's twisted, but heck so was the opening story. Both stories to this point are grotesquely fascinating, but can the third story hold up? Nope, sorry but it in fact doesn't. It's not impossible to watch or anything, but the last tale "Box" which is confusing, and non satisfying but bizarre enough to warrant at least one viewing. It's something to do with two gymnastic sisters, and well a box and fire and....well you'll see. I'd definitely recommend watching this trilogy but I do question the order of things, who ends a movie with it's worst material? Anyhow watchy watchy, especially "Dumplings"!

Availability:  On DVD