Blue Velvet (1986)

4.5 / 5 Jun '10

Tagline: The Most Talked About Film of the Decade
Directed by: David Lynch
Written by: David Lynch
Actors include: Kyle MacLaughlan, Laura Dern, Dennis Hopper
Genre: Thriller, Mystery
Length: 120 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well fortunately this isn't too weird, in fact it's actually rather easy to follow for a David Lynch film. We follow nosy mystery lovin' Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan) who stumbles upon a severed ear in a field. He brings it to the local Police Man who's daughter Sandy (Laura Dern) assists Jeffrey with details about the case. Jeffrey becomes so obsessed he actually breaks into the house of a singer named Dorothy (Isabella Rossellini) who is suspected to be involved with the ear somehow. He of course starts to piece things together and ends up in a strange relationship with Dorothy and several frightening underworld figures. Dennis Hopper plays an absolute psycho called Frank Booth who is one of the big bad guys of course, but it's a performance I doubt anyone will forget. It's one heck of a strange and bizarre mystery to be wound up in and it's an entertaining film as it all unfolds. You aren't going to get the answers to everything...it's not that kind of film. You will get a film that is extremely stylish, often darkly funny and tense and strange. Recommended even to those afraid of Lynch, heck I really hated Lost Highway but this I like!

Availability:  On DVD

Dreamscape (1984)

3.5 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: Alex Gardner has an extraordinary gift. To keep it may cost him his life...
Directed by: Joseph Ruben
Written by: David Loughery
Actors Include: Dennis Quaid, Max von Sydow, Christopher Plummer
Genre: Sci-Fi
Length: 99 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well this is a rather strange one that channels The Dead Zone, Firestarter and A Nightmare on Elm Street yet the poster makes it look like a sequel to Indiana Jones. Dennis Quaid plays Alex Gardner, an intensely brilliant fellow with some psychic abilities and other properties, he's very valuable. The government needs him for an experiment they are working on involving having people go into other's dreams. It seems that many of the patients in the facility have horrible nightmares, so they test Alex to see if he can intercept the dreams. Of course he can and he ends up doing battle with a child's cobra head monster demon. Things get more complicated when we learn that the President is having horrible dreams too...involving the end of the world! Are we doomed or can Alex save the day? It's very creative, lots of interesting scenes and dream sequences and the like, rather unusual overall honestly. It's a bit cheap feeling and strange but I think that I did enjoy it.

Availability:  On DVD

Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1972)

3 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: Flesh crawls! Blood curdles! Phibes lives!
Directed by: Robert Fuest
Written by: Robert Fuest, Robert Blees
Actors include: Vincent Price, Robert Quarry, Peter Cushing
Genre: Horror
Length: 89 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Although I did really like the first installment of the Phibes series, this didn't really work for me. It begins with Phibes waking up three years later and discovering that his house is demolished and his papyrus scrolls are missing. He finds the culprit and starts his trek to Egypt with his assistant Vulnavia in order to awaken his dead wife. Of course he needs to punish the folks who stole his scrolls which is where the fun comes in. The deaths are yes ambitious, over the top and completely implausible. Sure some creativity is involved and Price is quite enjoyable to watch but watching him go on length narration through a talk box (he can't talk) isn't very thrilling. It just seemed rather lackluster especially considering the talent involved, I was disappointed.

Availability:  On DVD

Body Puzzle (1992)

2.5 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Lamberto Bava
Written by: Lamberto Bava
Actors include: Joanna Pacula, Tomas Arana, François Montagut
Genre: Horror, Giallo, Mystery, Thriller
Length: 95 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well, I am typically a fan of Lamberto Bava but this wasn't nearly as good as I'd have expected. It did manage to have some nice scenes of gore and dismembered body parts if that be your thing. The story is rather dull (even though it's going to sound exciting). It's about a serial killer who removes parts from his victims (who is known to us right off the bat) sends them to a Woman. The Police scramble to solve the mystery, although it's no mystery to us making it feel pretty boring. It's very dry and wooden feeling, nothing special whatsoever. Although perhaps this would qualify as a giallo it probably wouldn't satisfy genre fans. I've definitely seen worse and cheaper, but I actually saw this when it first came out but totally forgot I ever watched it. That's not a good sign, and odds are within a year I'll forget again. Oh well, Lamberto's weakest still has a few decent qualities I guess.

Availability:  On DVD

Special Effects (1984)

2 / 5 June '10
Tagline: Mary Jean is just dying to get into the movies... She's about to get her wish.
Directed by: Larry Cohen
Written by: Larry Cohen
Actors include: Zoe Lund, Eric Bogosian, Brad Rijn
Genre: Thriller, Horror, Drama
Length: 103 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
This is a bottom of the barrel rip-off of Brian De Palma that has very little in the way of redeeming qualities. I was intrigued by this because I usually like Larry Cohen pictures, and I loved lead actress Zoë Lund in Ms .45. The thing was in that role she was mute...this is one of the only other roles she's starred in and with a voice it seems obvious why...she was not a very good actress. You will see her boobs many times, and watch her clumsily play two roles. She plays an actress who is strangled to death by the director of the film (it happens near the beginning of the film so I'm not wrecking anything). Her boyfriend looks guilty in the eyes of the Police so they focus on him. The thing is that the director video taped her death so he intends to use this footage to make his own film. Now they have the chore of finding a look-alike which of course they do quickly in order to shoot the rest of the scenes from the film. It's a lot like Body Double only a whole lot crappier from the bad music, stupid plot and neverending supply of dull moments. Very much not worth seeking out unfortunately, I really did think it would have been so much more.

Availability:  On DVD

The Human Centipede (The First Sequence) (2009)

2.5 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: 100 % medically accurate
Directed by: Tom Six
Written by: Tom Six
Actors include: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I don't really know what to say with this one...once I heard about it I absolutely had to see it regardless of the fact that I knew I probably wasn't going to like it. Considering though I have to say it's not as bad as I'd thought it might have been if that makes any sense? Basically an pointlessly evil retired German surgeon lost a three dog monstrosity that he created and looks for a replacement with humans. He lets in two wet moronic girls (who's actions make no sense...why would anyone wander deep in the thick of the woods when they have car trouble?) who cannot act at all, in fact it's actually irritating when they are able to speak. Soon they learn they aren't gettin' out of there once he drugs them and they wake up in their bed. He kindly explains the surgeries required to make his human centipede (there is also an Asian fella down there too to be part of the threesome) to his victims. This includes removing part of the knee so they can only crawl, the head will have his anus removed, the middle will have a removed anus as well as removed lips, teeth and cheek portion, the third part will be missing the cheek portion and lips and teeth.This includes removing part of the knee so they can only crawl, the head will have his anus removed, the middle will have a removed anus as well as removed lips, teeth and cheek portion, the third part will be missing the cheek portion and lips and teeth. It's not very graphic, honestly you do see a tiny bit of removing a part of ass and a few teeth yanked but it's all implied here. Once the monstrosity is created (we don't really see anything because of bandages) we get to listen to the Asian guy yell and freak-out (he's the head) and it all goes downhill from here. It takes forever to get to the "building" portion of the movie, way too much fighting and chasing and slow moving stuff (it's actually kind of boring honestly). It also doesn't really add up though they claim it's medically possible, the biggest questions are left unanswered like why? It's rather unsatisfying but the concept is at least unusual and the guy they've cast as the surgeon does look rather creepy I suppose. It could have been worse, but I can't for the life of me figure out how they intend to do a sequel...or why?

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

The Phantom Of The Mall (1989)

3.5 / 5 Jun '10
Tagline: Be nice to Eric. Or Eric won't be nice to you.
Directed by: Richard Friedman
Written by: Scott Schneid, Frederick R. Ulrich
Actors include: Derek Rydall, Pauley Shore, Kimber Sissons
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope
Country: USA

Review:
So this was actually a heck of a lot better than I was expecting it to be. It's still got some major problems...extremely cheesy soundtrack, plenty of cutaway violence and a ridiculous sex scene, it's far from perfect. Still it's quite an amusing little take on the Phantom of the Opera story and they certainly tried with an obviously low budget. Eric had a beautiful home and a beautiful girlfriend named Suzi until some greedy mall builders who want his property burn down his house with him still inside. He's believed to be dead even though he's secretly just half burned and wearing a half of a mannequin's face. He lives in the secret areas of the mall and in the ducts I believe and let's just say he's pretty pissy. It does contain several creative deaths involving things would expect to see at the mall (escalator anyone?) and things one wouldn't expect to see (cobra in the toilet?). They don't show much but I don't think the special effects department was capable of more than what this did show. It was also cool to see so many shots from the Sherman Oaks Galleria mall in the '80s, very neat indeed. Oh and I should mention that Pauly Shore, Morgan Fairchild and Rob Estes are all relatively big characters in this too. It's better than you might think seriously, I had fun watching it at any rate.

Availability:  On DVD