Thursday, April 30, 2009

Don't Go Near The Park (1981)

3 / 5 Apr. '09
Tagline: Runaways are attacked by evil beings from the far past.
Directed by: Lawrence D. Foldes
Written by: Linwood Chase, Lawrence D. Foldes
Actors include: Tamara Taylor, Meeno Peluce, Aldo Ray
Genre: Horror
Length: 86 minutes
Banned: Canada
Country: USA

Zoinks...while I often like being told what not to do, this time around I was a little confused about things. For example I went through nearly the entire film thinking it was an Italian picture (due to random pointless and unexplained strange instances that kept happening) but found out that nope, it was a US release. The main story is easy to follow, a witch with 2 children curses them to age 10 years for every year of their life (this much was repeated at least twice so even morons can follow). The three of them (mother witch included) all must munch on guts in order to maintain their youth. This movie basically has no budget, I mean you could tell they were ripping through rubber then covering themselves in orangey-red was all very silly. Especially when you consider this is a video nasty...erm if you thought it was realistic you haven't seen another movie ever. The doomed to age couple have a daughter who oddly looks like Miley Cyrus who runs away. She foolishly gets in a van that is covered in shag, filled with pervs and has blackened windows (c'mon...) and they try to molest her, she escapes then goes into the forest (which is apparently a park?). She meets a homeless boy and his drifter friend Cowboy who happen to be living with the witch (I think). Anyhow if you like bad movies, definitely this was easy to watch and filled with ridiculous things and dialog. Another example is a woman being interrupted in the shower by a stranger who then rents a room to the perv? Or the time when a guy shoots freakin' lazer beams from his eyes? But if you want something that you won't feel silly for having watched, I'd avoid!

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