Priest (2011)

3 / 5  May '11 
Tagline:  The War is Eternal. His Mission is Just the Beginning.
Directed by:  Scott Charles Stewart
Written by:  Cory Goodman, Min-Woo Hyung
Actors include:  Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q
Genre:  Thriller, Horror, Action, Western
Length:  87 minutes
Banned:  Nope

Review:
Well, this was my first ever 3D movie in the theater, and unfortunately it didn't really utilize this tool very effectively but it did add a nice touch or two.  The particularly stellar part was the Gothic animation in the beginning sequences, it's too bad they didn't use more of this throughout the film.  What they did use were CGI vampires that resembled Marilyn Manson, ridiculously laughable script ("Kill 'Em All") and some of the most implausible action sequences (oh I'm talking about you stones thrown into the air that were used as steps) I think I've ever seen.  Conceptually it's decent enough, it's about a war that occurred between humanity and vampires and Priests were the saviors of humans.  They have since disbarred and been outcast in society and must work demeaning tasks.  The vampires were supposedly vanquished (note I said "supposedly") which leads us to our next problem.  A family are brutalized and a daughter Lucy held captive by vampires, of course the way this works is that a Priest is related to her.  He must leave his Priesthood in order to kick some butt and save Lucy with a little help from a fella called Hicks.  Anyhow it is filled with action...and if you like scenes were people glide around on bikes in the sand (okay so I thought it was snow because I'm an idiot) for long stretches...you will love this movie.  There were at least a few redeeming qualities to this, the visuals were striking and the plot was okay.  Maybe not exactly my cup-o-tea but not worth writing off entirely.

Availability:  Still in theaters

Lake Mungo (2008)

3 / 5 May '11
Tagline: If you've never seen a ghost... Look closer.
Directed by: Joel Anderson
Written by: Joel Anderson
Actors include: Rosie Traynor, David Pledger, Martin Sharpe
Genre: Horror, Thriller, Mystery
Length: 87 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Well points for creativity should be awarded here, though the dry spots in the story were a little too plentiful. The film is told in the style of a documentary about a family who's Daughter Alice has turned up drowned in the lake. They determine her death as accidental and her family tries to move on, they start seeing shadowy versions of Alice around. They contact some Supernatural specialists and exhume the body to try to determine what has happened. As things unravel we find out things aren't quite what we seem, and the more digging that happens the more the story contorts. Some of the imagery here is yes, somewhat creepy but beyond that I can't say much in the way of horror happens. It at least does try to build mystery and it did have me wondering exactly what was going similar to some of Peter Weir's flicks. I just think if they'd had a better cast and bothered to try to make it a bit more ominous things would have been so much better. Thanks so much to Happywax (http://doomgoryumshorroremporium.blogspot.com/) for this recommendation!

Availability:  On DVD

Creep (2004)

3.5 / 5 May '11
Tagline: Your journey terminates here.
Directed by: Christopher Smith
Written by: Christopher Smith
Actors include: Franka Potente, Sean Harris, Vas Blackwood
Genre: Horror, Thriller
Length: 85 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I had no idea going into this film that it was basically a remake of Death Line [Raw Meat] complete with shots of Franka Potente running (ala Lola rennt [Run Lola Run]). Even so it was pretty amusing, especially the way they set the situation up. Kate (Franka Potente) is on her way home from a party when she falls asleep in the subway waiting for a train. She wakes up only to find herself locked in and under attack by a creepy co-worker and of course she seems to make the wrong choice with every turn. While trying to find a place to escape she ends up in the underground with the Homeless people. However in her attempt to escape she finds something far more sinister down below. So it does have some carnage in it, though it's mainly one of those building tension escape type scenarios which is just fine with me. It is relatively well made and the cast make it a little more appealing then it could have been with unknowns. Thanks to horror fiends Axemaster and Happywax (http://doomgoryumshorroremporium.blogspot.com/) for this recommend, definitely a fun little horror flick for most.

Availability:  On DVD

Dream Demon (1988)

 3 / 5 May '11
Tagline: Two women trapped in a savage nightmare...
Directed by: Harley Cokeliss
Written by: Christopher Wicking, Harley Cokeliss
Actors include: Jemma Redgrave, Kathleen Wilhoite, Timothy Spall
Genre: Horror
Length: 86 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:

Overall this is a rather dry and lifeless reworking of A Nightmare on Elm Street however it does have a few surprises along the way. Diana is a rich and famous young British Lass who is hounded by the press about her upcoming marriage. She starts having horribly violent dreams, and until she meets an American girl called Jenny (the only charismatic character in the film played by Kathleen Wilhoite). Jenny believes her past is somehow tied into the house that Diana is staying in, and the two become fast friends. When they realize that the demons in Diana's dreams are causing real damage as she pulls people into dangerous situations if they are nearby. This doesn't sound familiar at all does it? Heck even down to the rescuing of a little girl from a fire that transforms when rescued it's so recycled. Still the thing that really will make this worth watching for genre fans is the surprising gore...heck the best scene is borrowed from 力王 [Riki Oh: The Story of Ricky]. It has potential, it's just a shame they couldn't have made it a bit more exciting and less cliche.

Availability:  Not currently on DVD

I Was A Teenage Intellectual (1999) aka Byl Jsem Mladistvým Intelektuálem

2.5 / 5 May '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Marek Dobes, Stepan Kopriva
Written by: Marek Dobes, Stepan Kopriva
Actors include: Vladimír Skultéty, Sona Tomeckova, Robert Jaskow
Genre: Comedy, Horror, Short
Length: 17 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
This really felt like a silly little joke which although it was a short film (at 16 minutes) it should have been maybe 3 minutes or so long. The gag is the comparison between intellectuallism and werewolfism which is kinda cute I guess but far from satisfying. Two junk food lovin' action fans are content in their lives until one of them is bitten by an intellectual. Suddenly he starts craving big words, big books and attending cult like meetings dressed in black. On a horror front this is very unsatisfying, and although I did laugh at the A Nightmare on Elm Street gag there isn't much else nice I could say.

Availability:  Not on DVD as far as I know

Forklift Driver Klaus: The First Day on the Job (2000) aka Staplerfahrer Klaus - Der Erste Arbeitstag

4 / 5 May '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Stefan Prehn, Jörg Wagner
Written by: Jörg Wagner, Stefan Prehn
Actors include: Konstantin Graudus, Gustav Adolph Artz, Jürgen Kittel
Genre: Horror, Comedy
Length: 9 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Maybe it's because I've seen several forklift training videos because I work in a Warehouse that I found this to be so hilarious. It's a German short film that is created in the style of a workplace safety video, and as it goes on it gets increasingly more ridiculous and bloody. We first meet Klaus, a newly certified forklift driver who is ready to start his day. At first he decides it's safe to lift a fellow employee on a pallet which of course he finds out isn't the wisest idea. Each time Klaus has a bad idea we go back to an alarm and the next incident seems to get worse. Even the cheesy music and voiceover really make this something entertaining to watch. I think anyone who likes to see things go terribly wrong should enjoy this in some twisted way.

Availability:  I don't think it's on DVD

Roadkill: The Last Days Of John Martin (1994)

3 / 5 May '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Jim Van Bebber
Written by: Mark Gillespie, Jim Van Bepper
Actors include: Marc Pitman, Mark Gillespie, Maureen Allisse
Genre: Horror, Short
Length: 15 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
So apparently this short film was created by Jim Van Bebber as a means to finance his feature length film My Sweet Satan. It's certainly attempting to appeal to splatter fans as it jumps right in with our crazy main character yanking entrails from some sort of animal and having a snack. In fact when he's not gnawing on raw parts he's yelling repetitively and watching '80s tv programs, quite the fulfilling life really. He goes out on a cruise and picks up some hitchhikers and has a little dismemberment dinner party. It's definitely trying to mimic the ambiance and sentiment of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but with no avail as this just isn't creepy. I did appreciate the fact that it was quite gory and well I actually thought it was funny and easy enough to watch but it shouldn't scare anyone.

Availability:  On DVD as part of a set with My Sweet Satan

Clockwork (1978)

2 / 5 May '11
Tagline: N/A
Directed by: Sam Raimi
Written by: Sam Raimi
Actors include: Cheryl Guttridge, Scott Spiegel
Genre: Horror, Short
Length: 7 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
So this is where it all began for Sam Raimi (along with the precursor to The Evil Dead called Within the Woods). It's a short film that certainly oozes "Student Film" left right and centre. It's grainy and very cheap looking (though the aged print may have been the issue with this) and it's certainly not very well developed plot wise. We watch a Woman move about her apartment before going to sleep (though we see someone standing outside who is obviously ready for some killin' action). She wakes up to some noises (for some reason El Killer is throwing a Ketchup bottle and being destructive towards condiments?) only to find of course that the murderer is in her house. If only she'd invested in doors that weren't made of paper perhaps this tale could have gone differently. It's just really nothing much to see, it's not gory, it's not scary and it's not even interesting. I suppose Raimi buffs may want to have a gander like I did and heck I suppose it will only waste 7 minutes of your time.

Availability:  Not on DVD

The Collector (2009)

3.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: He always takes one
Directed by: Marcus Dunstan
Written by: Patrick Melton
Actors include: Josh Stewart, Juan Fernández, Andrea Roth
Genre: Horror
Length: 90 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Huh....ok so if you like explanations and logic and all of that, steer clear you will hate this. Once I accepted that it doesn't matter why and that I'm not going to get to know I enjoyed it a heck of a lot more. What I can make out of it is that an ex-con desperately needs to pay off his ex-wife. To do so he plans a heist at the home of his employers but when he gets there he's greeted with a bit of a surprise. It seems that a crazier criminal beat him to the punch and has rigged the house with some of the most insane booby traps this side of Home Alone. It's definitely violent and bloody with torture galore, and some of the traps are pretty neato. It doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense how someone could have had the year it would have taken to set these elaborate traps and why. Oh well, if you just want some carnage and cruelty this will do just fine.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray
The Collector [Blu-ray]

My Bloody Valentine (2009) aka My Bloody Valentine 3D

3 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: He's gonna break your heart.
Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Written by: Todd Farmer, Zane Smith
Actors include: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Genre: Horror
Length: 101 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
Now to be fair I did not see this in 3D as it was originally intended, but it didn't seem too gimmicky in good 'ole fashion flat view. The film itself is a pale comparison to the original and the characters are as memorable as grains of sand...it still has a few things going for it. If you are looking for gory gratuitous deaths then this should satisfy, it keeps 'em coming at a steady pace. The plot (which is barely worth mentioning) is about a tragic mining accident wherein a bunch of folks are buried alive. One miner (Harry) happens to survive in a coma, however the other miners didn't die from lack of oxygen but rather from Harry's pickax. Harry awakens on Valentine's day and goes on a fun killing revenge killing spree (all this in the first little bit of the film). Fast forward ten years later to a feller named Tom who has returned home on the anniversary of the massacre. Of course the gory killings start up again, but who could be behind them? The mystery aspect is ridiculous and there are parts of the film that have too much talking and not enough killing. Still on a whole it was satisfying enough considering how low the quality of these remakes often are.

Availability:  On DVD & Blu-Ray

Calvaire (2004), aka The Ordeal

3.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: Some people would kill for company.
Directed by: Fabrice Du Welz
Written by: Fabrice Du Welz, Romain Protat
Actors include: Laurent Lucas, Brigitte Lahaie, Gigi Coursigny
Genre: Horror, Drama
Length: 88 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
The plot will sound familiar to this French flick, a fellow (called Marc) is stuck in a remote swampy area in the rain when his vehicle breaks down. A weird Man looking for a missing dog ushers him to a bizarre Inn where he takes a room for the night. The Inn keeper promises to fix Marc's broken van but is very insistent that he not go into the nearby town. Let's just say things get very insane from there, and Marc isn't exactly free to leave. It boasts a strange ambiance considering that the film was actually shot with only natural settings, no studio fixings. Sure it's not the most disturbing film of it's kind but the black comedy touches keep things a bit lighter. At least it does boast a bit 'o blood and some horror gratuity and tension. It definitely kept my attention, although I'd hoped for a tad more originality yet still worthy of a gander. Oh and be on the look out for Euro sleaze actress Brigitte Lahaie, definitely the newest film I've seen her in...and yes she is still taking her top off.

Availability:  On DVD

Insidious (2010)

2.5 / 5 Apr '11
Tagline: It's not the House thats Haunted.
Directed by: James Wan
Written by: Leigh Whannell
Actors include: Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Ty Simpkins
Genre: Horror, Fantasy, Thriller
Length: 103 minutes
Banned: Nope

Review:
I really did have high hopes for this 'un and I wanted to like it...I truly did. The plot (although derrived heavily from Poltergeist) is a relatively interesting one. A young couple move into a house with their two boys and one of the boys goes into some sort of unmedically explainable coma. Also ghosts start appearing and making Mom (Rose Byrne) appear crazy, but when they move the ghosts seem to follow! Of course they have to start calling in the stereotypical Paranormal experts to come up with the real reason for the coma. It is filled with Lewton Buses and it does go for the jolt for the viewer (it's just not something that I find works the best on me). Also the ghosts reminded me of Darth Maul, Ozzy, and of course some characters from the "Black Hole Sun" video which made me giggle more than it should have. It definitely seems like people are split on this one so I say see it and decide for yourself, it's effective for a particular sort of scare...I just wish I weren't immune.

Availability:  Still in theatres but I'm sure DVD and Blu-Ray will follow